How to Get Kids to Do Chores

Ask a Therapist: It is so hard to get my child to do chores! What should I do?

Getting your child to complete chores can be very frustrating. Not every child will be compliant and listen to you when you ask them to do chores.

Here are a few tips that can make completing chores easier on you and your child.

1. Build consistency.

Establish a consistent schedule for completing chores. Set an expectation that your child does chores every day. When you build up that consistency and expectation for children, they are less likely to throw fits and have a hard time with it, because they are expecting to do their chores every day. In very rare cases should you allow an exception when your child does not have to do chores. It is best to actually modify a chore instead of telling your child they don’t have to do it at all.

For example, on holidays, such as Christmas, instead of giving them a break and telling them they don’t have to do a chore, it’s better to say, “We’re going to make it a little easier for you today, since it’s Christmas, and instead of doing a big chore, you only have to do a small chore.”

Or, “We are going to work together as a family and clean for only 5 minutes instead of 15 minutes.”

2. Make sure the chore matches the child’s developmental level.

You don’t want to assign a complex chore such as putting dishes away in cabinets to a 4-year-old. You will end up frustrated because your dishes will be everywhere except where they’re supposed to be, and your child will be frustrated because they don’t know how to do the chore.

Small tasks like picking up toys, picking up shoes, cleaning off the stairs, cleaning up their room (on a basic level) are best for younger children. More complex chores such as putting away dishes, vacuuming, dusting, organizing should be reserved for older children who understand where everything goes and can do it more quickly.

3. Teach your child how to do the chore correctly. Don’t assume that they know how to do it.

Frustration occurs when we expect children to know how to do a specific chore and we feel like we have to clean up after them or fix their mistakes.

Each one of us was taught differently how to do certain chores. The way you load the dishwasher may be completely different than how your child loads the dishwasher, so it’s important to teach them how you want the chore to be done. It may take doing the chore with the child for the first little while before they understand exactly what they’re supposed to do.

Frustration will be reduced when you actually spend some time up front with your child teaching them how to do it correctly instead of having to fix mistakes behind them.

4. You can also try to make chores fun.

In order to have more fun with your chores, gather the family together and have them come up with different chores around the home. Chores can be put on some type of chart that they can rotate either daily or weekly. (If a child has a difficult time doing a certain chore, it might be best to rotate once a week so a child has time to actually learn to do that chore.)

You can also write chores on craft sticks and put them in a bucket or a can and have them pick out a chore each day. Color code the craft sticks according to their age level so they’re not picking out something that is too complex for them.

One thing we do in our home that the kids seem to enjoy is we set a timer and we work together as a family for 10 minutes. Once the 10 minutes are over, we stop and the kids can do something fun. Working together builds teamwork, there’s an end in sight when you set a timer, and we crank up the music up and we sing or dance while we’re cleaning up. This is one of the favorite ways our kids like to do chores. It’s amazing how much you can accomplish in 10 minutes when you’re all working together and each person is focused on a specific room.

Tips for Older Children, Including Teens

• Implement an allowance system based on completing chores. Let the allowance be a motivator for kids who are starting to buy things on their own. (This helps them learn to budget.) You can start with a just a few dollars a week and shift towards allowing the child to buy more things on their own. Try starting with $3-$5 a week for whatever they want to spend it on.
• In order to get the allowance, the child must complete their chores every day. Use an all or nothing approach. Assign them 2-3 chores a day (plus their room–they’re always responsible for their room), and if they miss a day, they don’t get the allowance at all.
• Let the motivation work by itself. Don’t harp on it, and don’t make kids feel guilty if they haven’t done their chores.
• Write down and display their chores so your expectations are very clear.
• Focus on the positive: “When you do this chore every day, you get this allowance money.” Give it some time. It might take a couple of weeks for kids to understand that it’s something they can earn.
• You might want to start cutting back on some things you would normally buy your child, such as a drink at a gas station. You can instead say, “This is a great opportunity for you to use the money you would earn for chores, so I don’t think I’ll buy you a drink.” Let me them miss out a little and realize it’s important for them to earn money.
• You can give your child options! Give them a list of 5 chores and let them pick 2 they will focus on that week. Each week they can rotate and pick another chore. You’re giving them options, and then they feel like can have a choice.

Customized Chore Charts

You can find plenty of free chore charts on Pinterest. (By the way, you can follow us on Pinterest for all kinds of mental health and parenting articles.) Here’s another great resource: go to Canva.com and type in “chore chart” in the “Search templates” field in the upper right. You’ll find many results for stylish chore charts you can easily customize by changing the text or colors and images. Most are free.

I hope this information is helpful. If you have questions or are struggling with your child’s behavior or defiance, please contact us at 801-855-7999. We’re here to help.

Jeff Bright, LCSW, BCN

Tips for Getting Along in a Stepfamily

Therapist Kit Baker directs his thoughts to kids in this article, but his advice can apply to adults in stepfamilies, too.

Here’s the situation: Your parents are divorced, maybe for a year now, maybe for as long as you can remember. You’ve become used to things being a certain way in your home and family.

Then one day, your parent starts dating again and falls in love. Perhaps the person your parent is dating also has kids.

Maybe you really like your parent’s new love interest and get along with their kids. Maybe you realize early on how much your personality clashes with the other kids or the love interest. Or, perhaps you only like them in small amounts and they quickly get on your nerves.

Before you know it, your parent is marrying this person and your world, as you know it, is turned completely upside down. New people have moved into your house, or you’re moving into their house, possibly leaving behind friends, school, and your life as you know it, for better or for worse.

You now find yourself living with new people with their own ways of doing things, their own history, their own quirks, and their own drama. You are now what’s called a blended family, or stepfamily.

Ask a Therapist: My Child Is Struggling – What Should I Do?

Q. My child is struggling. What should I do?

A. There are so many options for helping children with emotional or behavioral challenges. The process can be confusing to know what to do. “What type of testing is best? Do I see a therapist or a psychiatrist or a psychologist?”

• A psychologist is a professional who helps children and adults primarily with the diagnosis of learning disabilities and IQ testing, and dementia or Alzheimer’s for adults. A psychologist does not necessarily provide counseling, although they have other people in their office who often provide counseling. Experiences with psychologists vary and you may not get the answers you are looking for.
• A psychiatrist focuses on the diagnosis of mental health disorders, such as depression, ADHD, anxiety, etc. but also primarily provides medication management. A psychiatrist offers prescriptions to treat mental health symptoms. They usually do not provide counseling or therapy to clients, but they might have other people in their office who do provide counseling. A psychiatrist is usually an MD or an advanced practice nurse. For children, sometimes pediatricians can also be board certified in psychiatry and can provide medications for mental health.
• A therapist or counselor can also provide a diagnosis of a mental health disorder. A therapist is typically going to meet with you for an initial diagnosis and then they will recommend an estimated amount of therapy sessions. The therapist will meet with you individually and discuss problems and provide you advice or ideas on how to work through the problems. Most therapy is short-term, such as 6-9 months.

Neurofeedback and Counseling Center of Utah is a little different from all of these because we provide a mental health diagnosis and a science-based brain map. We actually do a form of an EEG, which puts electrode sensors on the scalp and looks at 19 areas of the brain and how they are functioning. Once we know how the brain is functioning (or misfunctioning), we can provide a better description of what is happening on a neurological level to your brain. Then we offer brain training sessions that specifically target the areas of the brain that are needing assistance. This training is called neurofeedback. (Learn more about neurofeedback here.)

We ask that you come twice a week for neurofeedback training. The training consists of an electrode sensor placed on the scalp that reads the brain activity in that area. Then the computer reads the brain waves and when the computer identifies a healthy brain wave pattern, a noise is made. The brain learns that this pattern is healthier and it repeats over and over throughout the twenty minute session. The brain eventually will learn to hold this pattern. The typical amount of sessions is 20 sessions for less severe cases, and 25-35+ for some cases.

Typical results that we see with ADHD and anxiety are significant reduction of symptoms. People frequently discontinue medications and are taken off of IEPs at school. Teachers and tutors report major improvements in grades and focus and concentration. People typically sleep deeper and report having more dreams.

Other symptoms such as migraines, TBI, concussions, pain, depression, and autism are typically improved with neurofeedback. For more information about how we can help you specifically, please call our office at 801-855-7999 to schedule a free consultation. We are located in Clinton, Utah, west of Ogden.

Casherie Bright, Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor, is a partner at Neurofeedback and Counseling of Utah, along with her husband, Jeff Bright. “I love to work with children and their families to provide overall strategies on how to help the child adjust and find happiness. I don’t believe that children can be helped without supporting the parents.”

“My therapy methods tend to focus on skills (CBT) and changing core beliefs. My goal for each client or family is to help them create and visualize a life that is ideal and then work towards creating that life.”

Our New Name: Neurofeedback and Counseling of Utah

Overcoming Debilitating Anxiety: How One Young Man Is Succeeding

My 11-year-old son is an inspiration to me.  He has worked hard to be doing well in public school, academically and socially. About 16 months ago my wife, Casherie, and I decided to pull him out of public school and enroll him in an online charter school; he was missing about 60% of school days because of anxiety.

His anxiety was so intense that he had a difficult time falling asleep at night and he was waking up exhausted, with stomach aches. At first, we thought there was something medically wrong with him, so we took him to the doctor to have him checked out. Fortunately, the doctor said he was a healthy 10-year-old, but that left us perplexed about how to help him. Have you ever felt helpless as a parent? Not knowing what to do for your child? My wife and I were there…for a long while. It’s a heartbreaking feeling.

We offer a brain-based approach to mental health because yes, to answer the question, your brain activity is very much a part of your mental health.

Our neurofeedback treatment program starts with creating a map of your brain using scalp sensors that measure your brain’s electrical activity, or the brain waves between your neurons. This brain map is incredibly accurate at identifying problematic areas in the brain, and we use this map to create a personal treatment program for you or your child.

Balancing out brain waves can reduce symptoms of anxiety, ADHD, depression, learning disabilities and improve focus and a sense of well being.

Measuring Brain Waves: Speed and Power

The speed of how quickly the neurons are talking to each other are divided into different categories of Hertz. The slower speeds are delta, theta and alpha. The neurons that talk more quickly to each other are fast waves: beta, high beta and gamma.

Depending on the speed of the neuron connection, it actually helps with certain functions of our body. For example, the slow waves have to do with sleep. When we fall asleep, the slow waves get stronger.

The speeds of the neuron connections have to do with different functions of our body. For example, the slow waves are associated with sleep. When we fall asleep, the slow waves get stronger.

Speed is one way we measure brain waves. The second is by microvolts. Microvolts have to do with power.

When our brain waves change, it’s the power of the brain wave that’s changing. When we fall asleep, for example, our delta and our theta power goes up. When we go into a REM cycle or a dream state, we have lots of theta brain wave activity.

Theta also influences our focus and attention. If we have too much power of theta, then we can’t think clearly; we can’t focus. If we don’t have enough theta, we have the same problem! We can’t think and focus well. That’s why we have to have the perfect balance of theta to be able to focus and concentrate. We see lots of theta in kids who have ADHD, especially in the front part of the head.

Alpha is a little bit faster neuron communication. It has to do with feeling calm and at peace, a relaxed state of mind. For adults, alpha is our dominant brain wave. For kids, theta is the dominant brain wave, and that’s why they’re so hyper active. As we grow, our alpha becomes stronger.

When we have too much alpha in the front part of our head, it creates cloudy judgment. We can’t think straight, we’re in kind of a daze. And if we have too much alpha in the back of our head, we can’t relax. A form of ADHD is we when we don’t have enough alpha in the back of our head.

Faster Brain Waves

Low beta is called our “motivation brain wave.” It helps with our energy and gets us going. When low beta is affected, it also hampers our motivation, and we’re not able to get up and do things. That’s when we start to see depression problems happening, when our low beta or alpha waves are off.

Beta is a little bit faster. It has to do with our awareness of our environment. It’s what we see, hear, touch, and smell and how we process those senses. If we have too much beta, we become overwhelmed. There is too much information coming at us, and we can’t handle it. That’s where anxiety comes from: we have too much beta activity.

High beta is what we call super vigilance. That’s where agitation starts to set in. If we have too much high beta we get more agitated and irritable.

Gamma is the last category of brain wave activity. It’s really fast neuron communication, and it has to do with our higher functioning, executive, rational/decision making skills. We naturally have a lot of gamma in our head as kids, but it decreases as we get older.

How Does Neurofeedback Help?

The different types of brain waves influence our mood, focus and attention. And depending on where the brain waves are, that influences the part of the brain that’s supposed to be functioning. If, for example, we have lots of activity in the back of our head–that’s where we learn; our reading comprehension, our math skills are in the back of our head–if there’s too much brain wave activity, or even not enough, it creates learning disabilities, because that part of the brain is not functioning as well as it could be.

When we have too much or too little activity in different areas of the brain, this imbalance affects our behavior or actions.

The whole goal of neurofeedback is to balance out the brain wave activity so it’s not too powerful or too weak, so there’s a good balance that positively impacts our mood and behavior. And we see great results with many clients, from children to adults. Read more about neurofeedback here.

If you’re wondering if neurofeedback is right for you (or your child), talk to us about your situation. Give us a call at 801-855-7999 and we’ll schedule a free, no obligation consultation with a therapist. We’re here to help.

Jeff Bright, LCSW, BCN
Managing Partner
Neurofeedback and Counseling of Utah
801-855-7999

• We specialize in neurotherapy, a brain-based approach to healing.
• Neurotherapy combines counseling, mindfulness, and neurofeedback in one session.
• Neurofeedback decreases symptoms of trauma, ADHD, depression, and anxiety.
• Neurofeedback is 80%-85% effective in helping children focus at school and home without the need for medication.

I’ve been thinking lately about how challenging my adopted daughter can be. Every day it seems like there’s a new problem or complication. She had a rough life prior to her adoption. Even though she is in a safe home now and has been for 3 years, she still has issues almost daily.

I was talking to a friend of mine, who is an excellent life coach and supporter, and she mentioned to me that I am stuck in some unhealthy patterns with my daughter. Truth is, she’s right.

I don’t think many people understand that when you adopt an older child (and she was only 2 and a half when we got her), that is still so different than the infant we adopted that we brought home from the hospital. Even though she was young, she still missed critical developmental moments with us as her parents.

One of my realizations is that when you hold an infant, a newborn, you see the beauty and the miracle of life in that child. Regardless of biology, you can still see the gift of God in their eyes. When we started taking care of our daughter, we missed that innocent time where critical bonding happens. Not that we can’t try to repair it now, but when I’m honest, I can see that I don’t always see her as the miracle that she is. I see her as her problems, her mistakes, her diagnosis, her trauma, her behaviors. I don’t see the pure innocence and joy that I see in my other children that I am attached to and that I did have as infants. My heart breaks for her, as I realize she has never had a mom that purely loved her because she is a child of God or a miracle.

My next realization was that I have a lot of stories that I tell about her. The mind is organized in stories. My daughter’s story is one of trauma and heartbreak and burden and behaviors. Her story isn’t a story of miracles. My friend suggested I re-write my daughter’s story for my mind, and for hers. A start to this is the truth that every child is a miracle. She is a miracle and it is a miracle that she survived the circumstances she was put through. God has a plan for her life and a purpose in her creation and situations. God truly gave her to me when she and I were both in need of each other.

My challenge and opportunity today is to continue to re-write my daughter’s story. To change it to a story of triumph and overcoming and success. My challenge tomorrow is to re-write the future stories I tell about her. I have so many fears about her future and say, “If only we can get through high school” while she is yet in kindergarten. I need to re-write the future stories I tell into stories that are hopeful, and when she misbehaves, instead of jumping to “here we go again, she’ll never learn” into something more positive like “this is only temporary, she is doing okay.” Future prophesying limits her future and mine.

I still have a lot of work to do on how to help myself and help my daughter. I invite you to join me in supporting other adoptive parents by joining our online conversation in our private Facebook group, “Adoptive Parent Support Group | Clinton, UT.” Please share your thoughts with us.

Take away: Every child is a miracle, regardless of behaviors or circumstances; and there is no perfect parent!

Casherie Bright, Clinical Mental Health Counselor, is a partner at Neurofeedback and Counseling of Utah, along with her husband, Jeff Bright. “I love to work with children and their families to provide overall strategies on how to help the child adjust and find happiness. I don’t believe that children can be helped without supporting the parents.”

“My therapy methods tend to focus on skills (CBT) and changing core beliefs. My goal for each client or family is to help them create and visualize a life that is ideal and then work towards creating that life.”

What makes Neurofeedback and Counseling of Utah unique? Why should you care that we use a brain-based approach to improving mental health for children and adults?

Here are 7 reasons you can benefit from our brain-based program. To learn more, call us at 801-855-7999.

1. Your treatment is customized just for you for better healing. We use in-depth mental health assessments from the Amen Clinics combined with QEEG brain imaging to go beyond your visible symptoms to more accurately assess exactly what the core issues are and treat those issues.
2. Our goal is long-term healing. Because we look at the core issues of trauma and emotional and behavioral difficulties, we seek beyond short-term fixes such as relying only medications. While medications are helpful and often needful, some clients find they can reduce or eliminate the need for medication. (We work in conjunction with your doctor and do not recommend you stop or change your dosage without consulting your doctor.)
3. We consider the needs of the whole person and use multiple approaches for better healing. Our neurotherapy program combines counseling, mindfulness, and neurofeedback brain training in one session.
4. Many clients using neurofeedback report that they sleep better, usually within 6-10 sessions but sometimes after just the first session.
5. Clients report feeling calmer, more peaceful, more able to relax, less overwhelmed and feeling in better control of their emotions.
6. Anxiety symptoms are greatly reduced.
7. Children and adults are able to focus better at home, school and at work.

I have to admit, I feel like the Jefferson’s “mov’n on up to the East side” as we move back into our office after two grueling months of waiting and re-construction.  As most of you know, one March day, I walked off the elevator (well actually the stairs…I try not to take the elevator) and stepped into about an inch and half of water in our office building.  The water was pouring out of our office suite door because of a broken water pipe in the office above us that ran overnight.  After waiting for cleanup, insurance approval, re-construction, and painting, we just received approval to move back into our office.  Yay! The amazing thing is that we stayed strong during the last two months of having to use the kitchen area and small closets in our building.

Yes, we did lose a couple of clients as we juggled our way around, but for the most part we were resilient and kept pushing forward to meet all of our clients and to provide them with the best service possible.  I have amazing staff and therapists.  Not sure how many people would weather a flood and the need to share office space; not knowing where you would be meeting your client the next hour. Would it be the kitchen, the big closet, the unfinished part of the basement, or outside?

Top 5 Things we Learned from the Flood

#1 Make sure to have Renter’s Insurance. Yeah, I know. Dumb mistake.  We were very lucky that our very expensive QEEG machine wasn’t  damaged. It’s very surprising that when equipment gets damaged because of a broken water pipe that all of a sudden “no one is at fault”.  Well, maybe it’s not THAT surprising.  Lesson learned, get insurance.

#2 When the team works together, anything is possible.  The morning of the flood, I first called my wife…sobbing.  The second call was to our Office Manager, Michelle….crying.  The third call was to our Neurofeedback Technician, Kaitlan….still crying.  All three people made it to the office within 30 minutes of the call, helping me inventory all of the damaged equipment and furniture.  My team was my rock that day, my emotional support.  They continued to be my rock during the last two months as waited for the word that we can move back in.  I would have crumbled without my team.  The experience has brought us together as we have had to think creatively of ways to provide services for our clients.

#3 Persistence brings results.  Did I mention that the day after the flood, we met with half of our scheduled clients?  Three days after, we were meeting with ALL of our clients.  Way to go team! All because our creative thinking, tenacity, and persistence.  We were determined to stay in business.  We used all available space that we could think of to provide comfortable and safe space for our clients. I do have to admit that one of our “not so bright” decisions was to use a 2 ft by 4 ft closet as a Neurofeedback station.  Desperate times meant desperate measures, but I don’t think there were very many clients that enjoyed being in the closet doing Neurofeedback training.

#4 Communication is valuable when things are crazy.  We spent two months communicating together as a team almost hourly, problem solving “who is going where?”.  We developed a map of the unused space in our building and labeled the areas “Kitchen 1, Kitchen 2, and Counseling Closet”. We put a ping pong table standing up in the kitchen to separate our two neurofeedback stations, to ensure more privacy of course.  When we didn’t communicate and carelessly used an area, it created a lot of confusion and it resulted in a therapist not knowing where to meet with a client.  When we communicated and planned, the days were pretty smooth.

#5 Patience and Positivity pay off. Waiting for two months for office space is difficult, but now we have a clean, nice looking office again.  Our staff are happy with new furniture and decor.   We really strived to be positive in the office (aka kitchen and counseling closet…lol).  Our positivity rubbed off on our clients and we made huge treatment successes with those clients who were willing to be patient with us. We are counting on the rest of 2018 to be all roses and sunshine. I mean, it can’t get any worse,  right?

– Jeff